AOI HARU: TULIP TEENS

About age 12. That's when I started to think of myself as a tulip... 

Toshiaki Toyoda' s film Aoi Haru (Blue Spring) reconnected me to that feeling.

I have always wondered why I felt so distinctively sad when I was a teenager. I led a 'normal life': loving (though extremely busy) parents, a cool boyfriend and plenty of music to love. Yet my heart bled for all the troubles of the world. At school most sniggered behind my back at my perennially anguished mood. It was a phase in my life full of ineffable hurt which oftentimes turned into confusing anger: being in a constant state of unease was tough. Naturally, my life as a troubled teen undoubtedly proved to be as formative as my earlier wild and relatively lonesome childhood days. And frankly, I've never quite lost my teenage emotionality.

In the past three decades at least, Japan too has had to deal with a serious problem concerning teen and pre-teen violence and suicides. I recently learnt about an interesting study which tries to identify the scientific reasons behind "teen angst" and the causes behind the extreme, fluctuating emotions which plague our youth. 

By analysing behaviours in Japan and, crucially, across ancestral human societies around the globe, it clearly emerged how natural evolution has chosen not to discard this typically adolescent trait. Furthermore, extreme teenage behaviour seems to appear in most if not all of living species. The obvious reason is that, somehow, it has been (and still is) useful, in fact fundamental, in our success as a species. How? By utilising 'reckless impulsiveness' as preservation tool in case of danger.

Turns out that our ancestral adolescents were key for the survival and success of our species. Imagine the scenario: our tribe is in trouble. Water reservoirs are depleted, locusts have damaged the food resources and a hungry, more powerful neighbouring tribe is about to invade our territory. We have to migrate - fast. Who will be willing, in fact itching, to explore the dangerous, unchartered boundaries that lay beyond our familiar land? The men must stay put in order to protect women, children and the elderly. So it will be down to the fearless adolescents, eager to become fully-fledged warriors and heroes, to set out on a mission to save the entire tribe - and with that, the human gene. 

The success of our ancestral teens in carrying out such perilous yet crucial missions was due to the turbo-charged, almost blind, set of emotions ignited by the chemical (sexual) transformations going on in their bodies. Raging hormones made them fearless and creative, ready for action to the bitter end.  Conversely, adults, tend to lose their recklessness and desire for adventure as they reach sexual maturity, becoming more 'sensible' and 'stable' so that the family can be safely looked after and nurtured. 

It makes a lot of sense that teen extreme emotionality has been selected by natural evolution for a fundamental purpose. The inherent intelligence of Nature is truly staggering, a trait that has long been mistaken for perfection. But of course nature is extremely fluid: genetic codes are not meant to freeze into a fixed state but, rather, to find a way to constantly improve the chances of survival through a slow, hit-and-miss process of selective, highly specific usefulness. Perfection and fixed ideas do not exist in nature, they are one of our delusions: hence emotions (the entire good and bad spectrum), sexuality, physical appearance, even genius and idiocy cannot (and should not) be defined by rules set in stone. 

In other words, our emotions, big, troublesome, dangerous or wonderful, are a fact of life and make us who we are. If we let them, they will make us blossom, and that's when we get to finally understand that life is a truly wondrous experience. 

And now a few words on the fabulous film itself. 

Aoi Haru (2002) is based on a manga by Tayō Matsumoto. It centres around a group of students about to graduate, but with no real desire to enter adulthood by pursuing a university degree or a career. The all-male campus school they attend has a harsh and uninspiring air of run-down concrete barracks tainted in brazen graffiti. Unsurprisingly, some of the boys respond to the desolate, hostile environment by becoming bullies and forming gangs. Sheer recklessness and bravado, violence and disrespect towards authority (teachers) determine the fragile position of the leader.

Before getting into the story, let me mention how much the soundtrack contributes to the compelling viewing of this film, starting from the initial/end credits courtesy of rather oddly named Japanese indie-rock band Three Michelle Gun Elephant. The band was active throughout the nineties and broke up in 2003. Sadly I wasn't aware of them while they were active, which is a pity, as I love their raw, emotional and sexually charged sound, an edgy blend of punk, indie and dirty blues. The gorgeous theme of Aoi Haru is called "Redhead Kelly". The haunting track is featured on the penultimate album released by TMGE in 2001, Rodeo Tandem Beat Specter (they seemed to enjoy extravagant mouthfuls). 

The two main characters in Aoi Haru are childhood friends Kujo and Aoki. Kujo is the more introverted and meditative teen, the classic creepy nerd. He is bewitchingly portrayed by an 18-year-old Ryuhei Matsuda (who debuted aged 15 in Gohatto -Taboo-, a film I particularly love and which I will write about in the near future) Young Kujo, blessed with a startling kind of beauty, is an intelligent and introspective boy capable of extreme acts of violence and bravery, hence he soon becomes the leader of the main school gang. Resigned to the fact that the dog-eat-dog survival policy which rules the entire school will also inevitably apply to the outside world, Kujo deals with his new position of power with ruthless detachment. 

His friend Aoki, who admires him, soon becomes frustrated with the insular aloofness of his 'boss' and eventually decides to challenge his leadership. Kujo though, fully aware of his superiority, shows no interest in fighting. Instead, he spends many schooling hours on his own contemplating the vast blueness of the sky from the school's roof terrace, seemingly dreaming of releasing himself from the absurdity of that senseless reality. While fatal random acts of disturbing violence are perpetrated by various peripheral characters, Aoki finally sets up his final showdown, choosing death. Kujo, whose attempt at saving him fails, finally decides to give life a chance to blossom.

The build-up towards the end credits is truly breathtaking. The series of fateful events, beautifully weaving metaphor into harsh reality, are skilfully sequenced so that the viewer is caught in the vicious circle of abject hopelessness, profound unease and utter confusion the boys have sunk into. The unapologetic use of numbingly cold brutality left me in no doubt that I was in for a poetic final. Although fascinating, the aesthetics of violence are perfectly balanced with the more meditative scenes. In fact my most memorable scenes are the ones where a moody Kujo draws a strange black figure on his class desk (a powerful prophetic act) and when he talks to the dwarf school gardener, intrigued by the cycle of life. Will all flowers end up in full bloom?...

The young Ryuhei Matsuda plays an instrumental part in creating in Kujo a fascinating, memorable character, one the viewer cannot help putting one's trust in. Interestingly, the actor himself left school early to concentrate on his acting career, and one suspects that in his teens he might have not felt at ease within his own school environment because of his status (born into a famous acting family) and perhaps his androgynous, unsettling beauty too. Whatever the case might be, the Ryuhei is more than convincing in a teen role where gritty self-survival and a yearning for a different future collide almost fatally. In the end, he does chose to become a tulip.

Watch the film with English subtitles here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU1Fx2t-YPA

Photo credits unavailable. 

Thank you Grapey for uploading the movie.

MASTERS OF DELUSION

A friend once made me laugh when she remarked how her telly's nothing like mine! 

It was by mere chance that, while flipping channels, I caught a glimpse of a guy with dishevelled hair and a worn grey t-shirt: he had a look in his eyes I instantly recognised. Behind his 'mad genius glasses', his gaze revealed a deep, dark well of pain. 

Those eyes belonged to James Rhodes, a concerto pianist of international fame. He was about to begin his 3-minute slot on Viewsnight, a small window of individuality graciously offered by Newsnight on BBC2. As he pronounced the title of his piece, I put the remote down, compelled to listen. And when it was all over, I thought that such scary, profound, simple, naked, honest and hopeful words should be shared.

I dedicate them to someone who spent years fighting for the vulnerable, then chose to become vulnerable himself in order to tell the naked truth. Please don't change, my friend: hurt is only fleeting, sincerity and hope are forever. And if you do change, remain proud of what you did.

WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME

 by James Rhodes

The pursuit of happiness seems like such a noble one... 

And yet it's fundamentally flowed. 

Happiness is not something to pursue any more than sadness, anger, hope or love. 

It is simply a state of being which is fluid, occasionally fleeting, sometimes unfindable, 

which is why self-help books are little more than a tax on our fragility.

We live in an age of unprecedented pace 

where our "always-on" mentality has created an unworkable and unsustainable environment.

We are in trouble.

And perfectly curated instagram selfies,

unattainable physical perfection seen all over the media - photoshopped to death,

anonymous social media outlets for our pent-up rage,

they are not helping.

Mental illness needs to be reframed.

Urgently. 

Even the phrase must change.

Surely there is enough evidence by now to replace that phrase simply with

the Human Condition.

We are all by turn anxious, in low mood, peaceful, grieving, content.

Occasionally some of us may stray further down the continuum

into depression, PTSD, suicidal ideation.

But I can't help feeling 

that when we talk about life's rich tapestry,

this is exactly what we mean: 

that life is filled with messy, challenging, difficult feelings and situations,

and denying them, 

apologising for them,

pretending they do not exist,

is counterproductive.

Just because we are not happy doesn't mean we are unhappy.

There are times when I despise myself,

I want to hurt myself,

when I want to die.

And then there are times when I feel quite comfortable with the world.

And all of those things are natural for me.

Perhaps we can aim to celebrate our individual messiness,

and by doing so unite us all

in a more honest way.

James Rhodes was repeatedly raped by one of his teachers from the age of 6. His spine was badly damaged (he had to have pins inserted to keep it together) but obviously his psyche suffered far more than his little body. In his 2 books James tells us how he's still unable to trust those who are supposed to care for him, he tells us about the intrinsic shame he feels and how the elusiveness of happiness became an instrument of torture (hence the need to self-harm and the multiple suicide attempts).
James has a huge reason for feeling 'lost' and terribly hurt, yet he has chosen to acknowledge who he is, bravely abandoning the "what ifs" that often become life's stumbling blocks. 
The human emotions and impulses we show the world define our public personality: cheerful, easy-going, moody, miserable, timid, vulnerable, greedy, sly. The list goes on. In private, what happens when one becomes fully exposed to life's traumas (no matter whether small or severe: it's all relative to individual sensitivity)? Like many others, James found a powerful saviour in music, but it is obvious that his inner battle could find respite if all of us would seriously rethink the derogatory, stigmatising - yet all too vague - old way of categorising the vulnerable. In fact, of judging ALL those who do not fit in with our sclerotic society models based on backward information or plain ignorance.

It seriously puzzles me how in this day and age most people are still blind to what constitutes the actual nature of us human beings and all which surrounds us. Like everything else in nature, we are a mind-blowing, fluid aggregate of chemical reactions, so incredible and powerful that - in our hopeful ignorance - we learned to call it Soul, thus establishing an idealistic connection with the Divine perfection we so naively crave. 

Just like we are too capable to create new biological lives, our complex biochemical make-up gives us an extraordinary variety of sensations, thoughts and moods which enable us to create inspiring material and intellectual constructions, such as, for example, Art. In my opinion, nothing defines us better than our boundless creativity. And this is what helped me to accept my extreme (at times difficult to manage) emotions as a dangerous but formidable tool through which to explore myself and the world, as something which describes me and determines that I am alive. I have accepted that the more stressful a negative emotion is (fear, hurt, injustice), the more sickly my body becomes. I have finally accepted that happiness is entirely transient, just like hurt is... When one thinks about it, such conclusions seem like the most obvious thing in the word (at least for those familiar with the Zen way of thinking). And yet things are not that simple.

And yet James is right. The pursuit of Happiness, Perfection and Oder has been at the core of our western 'civilisation' for more than 2000 years. Such feat has been proven impossible to reach time and time again, hence our resigned willingness to subscribe to consoling imaginary concepts such as the after-life. We still at large tend to identify Happiness with either Holiness or Money, stubbornly persisting in giving credit to failed religious, philosophical and economic systems constructed to take care of our flawed anxieties and needs. 

Freeing ourselves from the falsehoods which mislead and confuse our ways of life would be a beautiful thing, yet this can only be achieved by becoming reacquainted with our own true nature in a truly honest, fearless way. To seek solutions by shifting back to an idealised past and mythological illusions is what most resort to, because it's EASIER: we are the masters of Delusion, after all. Conversely, we should rejoice each time we manage to challenge our ideas and beliefs head on in our individual daily life, in our very own little microcosm. Because, like small pond clusters hidden in the depths of a mountain forest, every little microcosm within us brims with the seeds of a better future.